Total Praise

Tonight..heck today was rough. I thought it'd be smart to pee on a stick so I had an idea what to expect from my blood test this morning. Bad idea again...it was a lovely negative. I wasn't surprised/bummed though. I got to St. Edwards to get my blood test done, and it's just to test my progesterone. The lady in the lab didn't have any answers to my questions so I'll just wait until I get the results via phone tomorrow from the nurse. I researched what progesterone test shows, but still don't get it. I then hurried to work because I had to attend staff development. I loved it. I loved feeling like a teacher. I loved being bored, yet understanding everything they were talking about. I then started to think about how grateful I am for my job. Teaching would be nice someday, but I feel blessed to have my job. I have a great boss, and I love helping kids with drama haha. Then I had some stupid issues come up where I was just plain annoyed with people. I need a break from people/work. I'm starting to become cranky, and annoyed easily. I know today I had a lot on my mind.

I finished my work day, and went to get all my thanksgiving grocery shopping done with my mommy. My mommy is like my best friend sometimes, and I love that. I went home, and looked at my awful horrible nasty house. I need to clean so bad! It's embarrassing. I will get motivated this week, but today I wasn't feeling it. I made PW Pasta w/ Creamy Tomato Sauce, and it was delicious. I then started to watch tv with my man. I was quiet, he noticed. I have been randomly quiet lately. Usually I'm acting retarded and laughing hysterically, and yelling "penis" at random moments. I was sulking. I was sulking because I don't believe I am pregnant. I was sulking because I know trying again will just drag on and on and on until I explode. Kyle is being so optimistic, and I push him away because I want to have a pity party. How selfish is that? Why am I being so awful to him and myself? I'm not trusting God all the time. I only gave up a little of my pain/worries. I knew I needed time to think. I went and took a steamy hot bubble bath. I read more of "Hannah's Hope". Hannah at the time was struggling with infertility,and her husband Elkanah took another wife who bore him lots of children. Hannah was jealous, and went all crazy like how I feel. You know what? Her husband loved her no matter what. Yes, he had another wife, but his heart belonged to Hannah. Beautiful right? A few nights about I told Kyle that I would be 100% happy with just him forever, and I mean it. I really could spend my whole life HAPPY and completely in love, just the two of us. A baby is just an added bonus. We want a little piece of each other, but we would be ok if God did not have that in store of us. I know it's early, and I'm not trying to be a downer. I am just starting to realize how amazing God is. He gave me such a wonderful man. A

Ok back to my story...so after my bath I started to get really emotional and convicted. I was being sooooo stupid and selfish. I needed to be alone, with God. I don't usually do that because I feel guilty for not being the daughter God calls me to be. I let my guard down. I let it all go. I turned on my ipod to a particular song. I cried. Quiet sobs. Crying out to God for the first time that I can remember. He spoke to me. He comforted me. He has a plan for me, and I need to open my ears and heart to it. I then went outside to cry. I listened to the song again, and just started up at the sky. I felt peace. Tears were still streaming down my face. I remembered this verse I've been reading a lot:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own". Matt 6:34

Powerful right? heck yes it is! I went back inside to crawl into bed. My husband came in to just hold me while I slowly cried. God is good. I am finally under his wings, and not trying to control my life anymore.

Please listen to this song when you get a chance. It's incredible, and I had the most intense moment with God listening to it.

.Here are the lyrics:

Lord, I will lift mine eyes to the hills

Knowing my help is coming from You

Your peace You give me in time of the storm

You are the source of my strength

You are the strength of my life

I lift my hands in total praise to You.

You are the source of my strength

You are the strength of my life

I lift my hands in total praise to You.

Amen, amen

Amen, amen

Amen, amen

Amen, amen