Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Family Frustrations

Warning: This post does not flow well. I just need to vent so my thoughts are jumbled.

My mom and I got into the discussion today about being a stay at home mom. She doesn't understand why I want to work after I have my kids. She and my MIL will be babysitting so I don't know why its a big deal. I've explained to her 100 times my reasons. Growing up my mom stayed at home, and my dad resented her, wait STILL RESENTS her every freakin' day for it. He thinks he was neglected, and always the bad guy. Blah blah blah. There is a whole big story that I don't want to go into details about just in case they read this. Basically I only saw my dad at night after he got off work, and have very few memories of him playing with us. He loved us, but he was always so focused on money and moving up. My parents worked in fast food until I was in high school fyi. Now they own businesses, and can buy whatever they want. I know it was a struggle when we were younger, especially with my mom not working. I know their issues and resentment crap involve more than just that. Over the years they have fought about how to raise us, and just lost that lovin' feeling. I'm not sure I ever saw them be affectionate. Is it awful that I would prefer them to just separate? I don't live there (although I live 3 minutes away), but I'm so tired of hearing/dealing with it. I'm tired of 20+ year old problems, and stupid resentment crap! I'm tired of seeing my parents miserable with each other.

My parents are still married, but I don't know why. I have wished that they got divorced many times. I can't put my child through that. They are fighting a lot right now. It's so hard to hear about on the phone. I'm so tired of it. I have had such a skewed view on love, and went through bad relationships because I never saw what a loving couple was. I probably don't appreciate Kyle as much as I should because I feel like I never learned how to love correctly. You know what I mean? I know our situation is different, and I am married to a wonderful man. It's hard to not be effected by my whole freakin' childhood/life. I don't have a calling to stay at home anyways. The summer after we got married I worked at little at my parents skating rink. I worked maybe twice a week. I was going to sub in the fall, and needed a mental break since I graduated college, and then got married the next week. I tried to clean, and have dinner cooked every night. It was hard. I hated it. I was bored. I felt guilty that I wasn't contributing. I want to work. I don't want to be my parents.

I know I know I know I'm being crazy! I am trained to deal with emotional situations like this, but my life isn't my work I know the right answer. I know I'm being ridiculous, but they are my feelings. Poor keyboard, you were beaten while I typed this blog post.


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