Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Nurse called and my progesterone blood test showed I did ovulate. No shiz...I already knew that! Stupid test only told me that one thing. Now I wait....to see if dear old evil "lady" shows up. If not, I'll start peeing on sticks like crazy! Good news..clomid works. Good news..if I have to take it again I stay at the same dosage. Not so good news..I don't know if I'm preggo or not :( GARRRRR I should be thankful, but I'm frustrated.
Now to have food therapy...PW pecan pie!!!!
Update: I'm ok now. I had my small moment of frustration. I'm doing great right now! I realized that I could still be preggo, and to just give it some time to "season". OR I have good chances of conceiving in the upcoming months. Gooooo......baby making!!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Tonight..heck today was rough. I thought it'd be smart to pee on a stick so I had an idea what to expect from my blood test this morning. Bad idea again...it was a lovely negative. I wasn't surprised/bummed though. I got to St. Edwards to get my blood test done, and it's just to test my progesterone. The lady in the lab didn't have any answers to my questions so I'll just wait until I get the results via phone tomorrow from the nurse. I researched what progesterone test shows, but still don't get it. I then hurried to work because I had to attend staff development. I loved it. I loved feeling like a teacher. I loved being bored, yet understanding everything they were talking about. I then started to think about how grateful I am for my job. Teaching would be nice someday, but I feel blessed to have my job. I have a great boss, and I love helping kids with drama haha. Then I had some stupid issues come up where I was just plain annoyed with people. I need a break from people/work. I'm starting to become cranky, and annoyed easily. I know today I had a lot on my mind.
I finished my work day, and went to get all my thanksgiving grocery shopping done with my mommy. My mommy is like my best friend sometimes, and I love that. I went home, and looked at my awful horrible nasty house. I need to clean so bad! It's embarrassing. I will get motivated this week, but today I wasn't feeling it. I made PW Pasta w/ Creamy Tomato Sauce, and it was delicious. I then started to watch tv with my man. I was quiet, he noticed. I have been randomly quiet lately. Usually I'm acting retarded and laughing hysterically, and yelling "penis" at random moments. I was sulking. I was sulking because I don't believe I am pregnant. I was sulking because I know trying again will just drag on and on and on until I explode. Kyle is being so optimistic, and I push him away because I want to have a pity party. How selfish is that? Why am I being so awful to him and myself? I'm not trusting God all the time. I only gave up a little of my pain/worries. I knew I needed time to think. I went and took a steamy hot bubble bath. I read more of "Hannah's Hope". Hannah at the time was struggling with infertility,and her husband Elkanah took another wife who bore him lots of children. Hannah was jealous, and went all crazy like how I feel. You know what? Her husband loved her no matter what. Yes, he had another wife, but his heart belonged to Hannah. Beautiful right? A few nights about I told Kyle that I would be 100% happy with just him forever, and I mean it. I really could spend my whole life HAPPY and completely in love, just the two of us. A baby is just an added bonus. We want a little piece of each other, but we would be ok if God did not have that in store of us. I know it's early, and I'm not trying to be a downer. I am just starting to realize how amazing God is. He gave me such a wonderful man. A
Ok back to my story...so after my bath I started to get really emotional and convicted. I was being sooooo stupid and selfish. I needed to be alone, with God. I don't usually do that because I feel guilty for not being the daughter God calls me to be. I let my guard down. I let it all go. I turned on my ipod to a particular song. I cried. Quiet sobs. Crying out to God for the first time that I can remember. He spoke to me. He comforted me. He has a plan for me, and I need to open my ears and heart to it. I then went outside to cry. I listened to the song again, and just started up at the sky. I felt peace. Tears were still streaming down my face. I remembered this verse I've been reading a lot:
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own". Matt 6:34
Powerful right? heck yes it is! I went back inside to crawl into bed. My husband came in to just hold me while I slowly cried. God is good. I am finally under his wings, and not trying to control my life anymore.
Please listen to this song when you get a chance. It's incredible, and I had the most intense moment with God listening to it.
.Here are the lyrics:
Lord, I will lift mine eyes to the hills
Knowing my help is coming from You
Your peace You give me in time of the storm
You are the source of my strength
You are the strength of my life
I lift my hands in total praise to You.
You are the source of my strength
You are the strength of my life
I lift my hands in total praise to You.
I want to talk to you briefly about The Pioneer Woman. This woman changed the way I cook. I was a good cook, but I have become an AMAZING cook because of her recipes. I no longer have meals that don't include her Rosemary Rolls. They are life changing, and I have a list of friends who would agree. If I met her today I would tell her thank you. Thank you for the 15lbs I've gained since I got married. Thank you for all the wonderful detailed instructions you give me. Thank you for having some of the funniest tweets. Thank you for being such a good cook. I want to hug you.
Here are some of my favorites (I love them all, but these came to my mind first):
-Pasta w/ tomato cream sauce
Go to thepioneerwoman.com, and see your life change! Read her story about she met her husband, it's adorable!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
I saw 6 pregnancy announcements on facebook today. SERIOUSLY!
Tomorrow I go get my blood test to see if I ovulated, and hopefully it tells if I'm preggo. I have been ok the past few days. I'm not optimistic at all. The one thing getting me through it all is reading the book Melissa gave me called Hannah's Hope. God works miracles in all situations. This round may not have been my month, but there is always hope next time. I should know in the next few days.
My boobs hurt like crazy, but they have been off and on since I started progesterone a month ago...so I shouldn't read into it.
Pray for me!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I am curious what our future children will look like. Here's some pics of us when we were wee ones! Kyle has the be the cutest little boy ever! He still makes those same faces, and looks just the same! I don't think I look like my kid pictures.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Today I was in the zone at work! I was like a crazy chicken running around trying to solve problems one kid at a time. I was worn out, and just wanted to leave by 3:15!
After work I had the honor of meeting up with a blogger/mutual friend. Melissa rocks! She has been a blessing from God since I started talking to her. She is such an encouragement, and a wonderful new friend! God has worked miracles in her life, and she can share her story with me. She has been the best help! I realize more and more that God is in control, and He puts people in my life to show me that. We had the best 2 hour chat! I learned stuff, and she is an incredible person! I am so excited to meet little Jorja in January!
Here are my shout outs!
Melissa-Thank you for being my new bff! We need to hang out again!
Sarah K.-Thank you for introducing me to Melissa, and being such a good friend too! I love that I can randomly vent or text you retarded things and you get me!
Ryan P.- You help me so much with your advice and just letting me read your blog! I know more about zygote's and uterine lining because of you!
Kyle- I love you. Thank you for being such an understanding husband who loves me no matter what. You are my rock, and I would fall down a cliff without you. Let's hold hands!
-I peed on a stick this morning knowing that it would be negative. I'm stupid. I wasn't upset when I saw no second line, but I was thinking "Meagan you are an idiot, the possible baby is not ready to let you know yet you ding dong".
-I don't know if I can give up hot steamy baths when I get pregnant. I love them too much! I love my skin to be all red and steamy!
-I am becoming more and more comfortable with the term "pregnant" everyday.
-I totally think I have pregnancy symptoms that don't even make sense. It's too early for anything.
-I still giggle when I think of the awkward ultrasound because the stupid evil object looks like a dildo. I'm going to laugh when I have to go to an ultrasound later when Kyle is with me.
-I just ordered my mom and mother-in-laws Christmas gifts on etsy. I'm addicted.
-I have imaginary children so that I can practice saying "come here Allie Kate and Harrison!". Ok maybe I don't actually have imaginary kids, but I have daydreams.
-This waiting game is killing me! God just slap me over the head and tell me to be patient!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I miss Kyle. We have been so busy this week that we have barely seen each other. I was at one awesome girls night last night! Hi Whitney!! Thanks for reading my blog :) When I got home I was exhausted, and went to bed. Today I went to dinner/movie with my daddy, and Kyle will be at choir until 9. We've been irritable, and poopy to each other. I just want him to come home, and we can hold hands while watching our shows.
We made a plan for the holidays recently. Last year didn't work so well so we needed to make a written in stone plan. That is the most stressful thing about marriage so far. Obviously we both want to do our family traditions, but they all happen at the same freakin' time! We made a plan that was fair. Stupid compromising! I hate being an adult! Basically we will switch off years which time of day we visit with each family. It's fair. Glad that discussion is over.
I am about to go crazy! I try not to think about it. I am wondering if it worked. I know its WAY too early to tell...I know I know. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I just want to know yay or nay so I can go from there. I might go crazy.
Work has been really frustrating me. Not my actual job, just being in a school. I can't do my job and be a teacher/disciple person no matter how much I want to. Some days I wonder if I should teach, then five minutes later I change my mind. I have talked to school people there about it, and I really think they'd hire me. There is no job though :( I can't decide what I want. I LOVE my job, but part of me would like to teach special education or ALE. I don't know. We'll see what God shows me. He has a plan, and he's doing amazing things in my life. I'm blessed to have a job I love to go to everyday no matter how frustrated I get sometimes.
Why do I hum inappropriate words, or sing inappropriate songs that I make up? I'm such a weirdo. I became a pervert when I got married.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I got bored while Kyle was out the other day, and started watching some of our shows on the dvr. I couldn't help it! It's our thing, and I killed it! He was a little upset. I'm such a jerk. Tonight we are watching alllllll our shows so he's ok :) I make sure to sing the theme songs extra loud to make up for it!
This has been the longest month ever!Today is CD18. The opk thing has been a freakin' awesome help! According to the tests I have "waved" sometime over the past few days. Now I wait...............
Melissa! I got part of your gift in the mail yesterday, and I'm still waiting on the next one. We can meet up when I get it in ok?
What should I make for thanksgiving this year? I usually bring a side and a dessert. Help!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
The test line on the ovulation sticks have been getting darker the past few days! Yay! I am wondering now if I should have asked about my follicles. When I had the "awkward ultrasound" three weeks ago-ish I think they were just checking for cysts or whatever . My doctor just kept talking about how clomid is the next step if we are still ready to have kids. No ovary/follicle information. Oh well. Keep praying my prayer warrior friends! Maybe if I say "baby" enough I'll get one! Baby baby baby baby baby baby baby!
Tonight I cooked a delicious dinner, and we are going to relax and watch movies!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
My parents are going through a really hard time. They've been going through a bad time for 20+ years. Since my brother and I are out of the house forever everything has erupted. It's sad. It breaks my heart to see two people so unhappy. I know it's been like this my whole life. I am going to pray everyday for them. I don't know what will happen, but I just want both of them to be happy. My brother and I are fighting about it all. Grrr! I'm glad I"m 25 years old and married off so I don't have to deal with it 24/7. It's still hard though. My husband has been such a wonderful perfect support with all the craziness going on! I love him!
On the baby front....working on it! We are on CD15.
I'm sitting in Fayetteville for my FIL's major back surgery. He should be out soon. I'm sure it's going well. I am getting paperwork done, and being entertained by people in the waiting room. Doctor came out earlier to talk to a family about their relatives vagina surgery. Seriously...I do not need to hear the term "flaps and folds" EVER AGAIN!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Things are busy this week. I might not blog much. Work is INSANELY busy. Tomorrow night we are driving up to Fayetteville to stay in a hotel. My FIL is having back surgery at like 5am on thursday. Pray for him! He's a wonderful man, and poor guy has had like 7 back surgeries. Alright I'm tired. Going to bed.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
The following comes from the same chick who made comments to me a month or so ago. I TOTALLY forgot to blog about this crazy story from last weekend. I'm sorry. I told a few people, and never blogged. So she announced that she is pregnant in SS. I was kind of ridiculous about it in my own head, and told Kyle "I think I died a little". I was wrong for being that way, but she had no idea I thought/said that. Well that night at the Fall Festival I told her to rub that pregnancy dust on me or something like that. We were laughing about it, and she says "I know you were completely devastated in class today. I know you, and I know how you think. I'd feel the same way too if I were in you." and then proceed to remind me that she "knows me and my thinking". I was pissed. I'm glad she's pregnant. Yay for her, but DO NOT try to tell me how I think when we are NOT close friends, and RARELY talk. Grrr I fumed about that for a while. It hurt! It was already hard enough hearing pregnancy announcements, but to say what she did was unnecessary.
Today I'm sitting in SS, and telling that one chick that I couldn't make it to a baby shower for a girl in our class today because I had a family lunch to go to. She was like "well it doesn't start until 2". I thought about it, and said I could try to make it if its ok to be late. She looked at me and said "You never come to anything. You know that if you don't come to their baby showers, they won't come to yours". Wow, did that really need to be said? True, but you don't say that. Then someone else announces they are pregnant. Seriously, its in the water! We are like one of 4 couples not pregnant. It's crazy. Later I was sitting in church before the service started and texting my bestie Sarah H. Suddenly she was right next to me! Perfect timing! She was mad about what that chick said. I was ok, and told my MIL about it who was on the other side of me. She was very comforting, and telling me I need to tell the chick to be more sensitive. I was ok, and then a few minutes later the tears started streaming. I could not stop them. Then the beginning stages of completely bawling started, and I decided to head to the bathroom. I almost lost it. I could not stop crying, and I was about to hyperventilate. My MIL was INCREDIBLE at calming me down. She told me how God had an amazing plan for us, and OUR baby would happen in His time. She was so comforting, and I love her for it. She started crying too. All I could say was "It's just so hard sometimes". Then she gave me advice on what to say to crazy lady later. It took me forever to calm down. THEN my lovely best buddy/therapist/coworker came in to comfort me to. She freakin' rocks! She is so calm, and knows exactly what to say. Haha I had a therapy session in the church bathroom! I was better, but still very teary eyed. A girl in my SS class gave me a hug during singing time. I LOVE people like that who don't try to pry, but give me an encouraging hug or thought. So tonight I sent a message to all the girls in my SS class who saw me upset minus that one chick. I thanked them for being comforting, and explained my fertile issues. I feel better.
I have the most awesome best friend/coworker ever! Tonight we had girl fun. We went to Michaels, Books-A-Million, and Target to get craft stuff. We each started painting a canvas with our names on it for outside our office. We made inappropriately shaped cookies too :) We watched Toddlers and Tiaras, and made fun of stupid people! We laughed as I ran around her living room with a giant sperm cookie! I love her. She's hilarious, and a crazy awesome listener/advice giver! OH and I had the salty caramel hot chocolate from starbucks...changed my life! Yum yum yum! I really needed good girl best friend time. We are always so busy with work and at work w/each other that we don't get to hang out and relax! Her sister recommended that I read Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurity...you've been a bad friend to us". So we both went out and bought it. I've started reading two pages so far, and its INCREDIBLE! Totally going to help me through my ridiculous insecurities, and become closer to God. Sarah H. and I are also going to start a bible study soon with some other girl friends. I'm excited! I'll try to update on here how the book is going.
I also have other fabulous friends like Sarah K. and Melissa! Sarah and I have the same freakin' life all the time! Our drama falls on the same days! She's hilarious. When we vent we say bad words, and its funny. I'm just as fired up as she is when she's telling me whats going on. My heart was a racing, and I wanted to punch someone I don't even know! I also angry type, and spell things wrong. We both got addicted to looking at etsy.com today. I have been trying to figure out what to get my future bff Melissa as a baby gift. I found the cutest Beatrix Potter pillow bookends, and a precious pillowcase dress for Miss Jorja! I really love buying baby gifts for people! I just only buy stuff for people I like, is that bad?
I have a horrible crying headache. Today was rough, but got better when God reminded me that I have some pretty incredible friends! I also have a husband who loves me no matter how crazy and emotional I get. He's a tough man to put up with little ole' me!
I searched for a pen I was using all night, and found it stuck in the fat of my thigh. Wow...reason #494949483838382920 that I am going to start walking this week.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Update: All the parent drama has calmed down some. My dad went to the doctor and found out blood pressure meds were causing some mild depression, and he had all kinds of other tests because he's very overweight. I called my mom out on all their crap. Of course, she swept it under a rug like always and hasn't mentioned it since. If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist :(
Last night was date night! We went to the mall to eat, and then saw Red. I feel like a teenager when we go eat in the food court. The movie was really funny and action packed! Bruce Willis is the only man who can pull off that bald look, and be sexy. We held hands through most of the movie :) I was wearing jeans, turtleneck, pullover, and a scarf. Towards the end of the movie I started having a horrible hot flash! I ripped off the scarf, and my headache was now throbbing. I felt like I was going through menopause. My hubs was sweet, and held my hand again. I was ok until the movie was over. The nice 40 degrees weather made me feel better! We both get so giddy when we go on date night. Our 2nd or 3rd date was to see American Gangster with my parents haha. We held hands for the first time :) We kissed on our first date though...we are weird. Today we had saturday morning snuggle time! It's so cute and funny. He tried to put his feet in my face, and said "this is how it would be if I didn't have arms". Weirdo! Today we are going to make pioneer woman chili, and some sugar cookies for tonights game watching with our parents.
The last clomid was taken at 8:18am yesterday! Let the baby making begin! I've been tracking my basal temp, but it's so random I think I'm doing it wrong. I need to just wake up, grab the thermometer, and take it then. I think I'm moving the blanket off me, and its make my temp off. My "lady" was weird! It was a full cycle, but seriously.....3 months of no "lady" looks weird. Don't worry, I won't go into details. I started peeing on ovulation sticks today, no ovulation today! Ok I hate the term ovulation so we are going to change it to "waving" or "wave". Because when I do "wave" my body is saying "HEY, baby up! Get to work!!"
So I was trying to find a different term for ovulation, and Kyle suggested looking on urban dictionary. This is what it said:
I love to vacuum! I could vacuum all day! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new oreck I got for my birthday! It's light, and gets the job done! I also like my little shark vac because I can clean my baseboards (which I have never done hehe) and my couches! If I could ignore dishes, mopping, and laundry and ONLY vacuum I'd be the best housewife! There is still 3 loads of laundry on the couch waiting to be folded. I am pretty sure it's been there for 2 weeks. I hate folding because I know they'll have to be put up! I get to vacuum in a little bit :):):)
Last week I went to see Fiddler on the Roof at the convention center. My bud Sarah H. was supposed to go, but she had an emergency to deal with. So...we gave her ticket to my mom. It was AMAZING! I freakin' love that musical! They did a great job, and I'm glad it was off broadway, and not lame college kids.
I love the movie Shutter Island! Kyle bought it for my for my b-day! If you haven't seen it, go rent it!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Warning: This post does not flow well. I just need to vent so my thoughts are jumbled.
My mom and I got into the discussion today about being a stay at home mom. She doesn't understand why I want to work after I have my kids. She and my MIL will be babysitting so I don't know why its a big deal. I've explained to her 100 times my reasons. Growing up my mom stayed at home, and my dad resented her, wait STILL RESENTS her every freakin' day for it. He thinks he was neglected, and always the bad guy. Blah blah blah. There is a whole big story that I don't want to go into details about just in case they read this. Basically I only saw my dad at night after he got off work, and have very few memories of him playing with us. He loved us, but he was always so focused on money and moving up. My parents worked in fast food until I was in high school fyi. Now they own businesses, and can buy whatever they want. I know it was a struggle when we were younger, especially with my mom not working. I know their issues and resentment crap involve more than just that. Over the years they have fought about how to raise us, and just lost that lovin' feeling. I'm not sure I ever saw them be affectionate. Is it awful that I would prefer them to just separate? I don't live there (although I live 3 minutes away), but I'm so tired of hearing/dealing with it. I'm tired of 20+ year old problems, and stupid resentment crap! I'm tired of seeing my parents miserable with each other.
My parents are still married, but I don't know why. I have wished that they got divorced many times. I can't put my child through that. They are fighting a lot right now. It's so hard to hear about on the phone. I'm so tired of it. I have had such a skewed view on love, and went through bad relationships because I never saw what a loving couple was. I probably don't appreciate Kyle as much as I should because I feel like I never learned how to love correctly. You know what I mean? I know our situation is different, and I am married to a wonderful man. It's hard to not be effected by my whole freakin' childhood/life. I don't have a calling to stay at home anyways. The summer after we got married I worked at little at my parents skating rink. I worked maybe twice a week. I was going to sub in the fall, and needed a mental break since I graduated college, and then got married the next week. I tried to clean, and have dinner cooked every night. It was hard. I hated it. I was bored. I felt guilty that I wasn't contributing. I want to work. I don't want to be my parents.
I know I know I know I'm being crazy! I am trained to deal with emotional situations like this, but my life isn't my work I know the right answer. I know I'm being ridiculous, but they are my feelings. Poor keyboard, you were beaten while I typed this blog post.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I'm so nervous that I'm going to mess something up. I'm afraid I'll miss my ovulation days even though I will do "the married thing" everyday, and pee on ovulation sticks. I'm afraid I won't ovulate. I'm afraid I'll be pumping myself full of fertility meds for a year. I need encouragement. It's only CD6, I'm only on day 2 of clomid. I'm being a crazy weirdo! I just want it to work! Am I being selfish? God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan. Meagan stop trying to do everything by yourself. AHHHH!
On a happy note: I had a freakin' awesome day at work! I felt so needed today, and loved every minute of it :)
Monday, November 1, 2010
Well I turned 25 on Sunday. Seriously...I feel old now. My birthday weekend was wonderful though! Friday we went to my parents and ate part of my birthday cupcake cake. They were strawberry cupcakes just like part of my wedding cake! Mmmmmmmm! I love having a Halloween birthday. It's fun, and I always get a fall/pumpkin/candy themed cake! On saturday we went to the razorback game, but stopped at Copelands to eat birthday lunch with our parents. It was DELICIOUS! I got gumbo, and crawfish etouffee. On sunday we went to church, took a glorious nap, and worked the bowling booth at the church fall festival. It was a busy weekend. Oh yeah I got gifts! I got a nice oreck vacuum from my parents, a shark hand vac from my in-laws, and season 1 of Glee from my hubby! Yeah I totally asked for a vacuum for my birthday. *sigh* I'm so old. Oh yeah and my friend/coworker gave me a bunch of dirty items from Spencer's gift for the 12 days of Sexmus haha!
Kyle has been a crazy wonderful blessing this weekend! I mean he's always a blessing, but he was like above and beyond awesome! Not like that you perverts! He has been such an encouragement. He's very positive, and talks about how God has put us through this to show us His love and how to be patient. Kyle said "He's going to give us a beautiful blessing baby one day". He's also been hilarious, and flirty. I feel like we are back to dating/engaged again sometimes! We get to go on a date this week to a movie since we were too busy this weekend! We are going to hold hands! I love my husband!
Today I started clomid (Day 5)! I woke up all excited! I almost choked while swallowing it because I was so excited! No side effects so far. I feel confident that we are going in the right direction. Kyle thinks it will work this first time around because of the statistics, and the only problem we are having is that I stopped ovulating. I hope he's right. I want to be a mother. I want to have a little piece of me and Kyle (that will totally be adorable). I want to be pregnant. I want to feel the alien baby move inside me, and let Kyle feel it too. I want to watch my fat turn into a nice preggo shape. I want to get the drugs that help me give birth because we all know how low my pain tolerance is :) I want to hold my precious baby, and play with it's little baby hair while it sleeps! It's God's timing though, and I have to TRUST that He will give us that miracle one day.
So I laughed when I read articles that say one of clomid's side effects is multiples. I didn't know babies could be a side effect. I would not do well with multiples, haha. One is enough for me at one time! I am ready to use my baby names though! Allie and Harrison....I'll be waiting for you!
A big shout out to Sarah and Melissa for being such amazing supporters! You two are such wonderful blessings to me! I appreciate everything!
Kyle and I are addicted to zombie movies/tv shows again. The new show called The Walking Dead on AMC is AWESOME!!!!
One of the most embarrassing things to me is when my stomach growls, or I need to fart and my stomach makes a weird sound. :)